his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize