Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
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