My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
