yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Randomize
