My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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