Is this a definitive no? All is forlorn? Such is fine, but i'm drunk and a sucker for concrete answers
You can't special order awesome
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
