I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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