so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Randomize
