It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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