if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Randomize
