once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Randomize
