I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
