I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I'm bleeding and have questions
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
