I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I am in a vortex of obligation.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
