Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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