I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
