Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
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