you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Randomize