Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
