I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
