We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
