My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
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