I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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