I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
