It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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