a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
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