Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
