My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
