Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Randomize
