just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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