Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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