I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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