The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
