I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
