Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
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