I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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