it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
