my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
