you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
