the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
