So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
