you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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