I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
