first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
