I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Randomize
