Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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