My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Randomize
