My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
