I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
