update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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