Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
