The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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