I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
