my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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