So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
i love accidental penises.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
