two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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