i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
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