so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
my poor anus
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Randomize
