They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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