He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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