i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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