oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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