Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
