Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Randomize
