Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
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