that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Randomize
