Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
You ate ashes out of my bong
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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