Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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