I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
40s are totally the cure
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize