found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
