I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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