we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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