Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
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