so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
