just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
ugly people sure do ruin things
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Randomize
