My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I'm experimenting with sincerity
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
