If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
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